A Tribute

Dikembe Mutombo, an 18 year NBA veteran, played his last game last night due to a knee injury. Mutombo became famous for his vicious blocks followed by a taunting finger wag to the face of the man he just humiliated, as if to say "Naaaaat eeeeen maaayyy hoooooussssse." A few years back, the NBA determined that a finger wag to the face was worth a technical foul. Did that stop Deke from doing it? Not a chance. He has spent the last few years blocking shots, and then pausing for a few seconds before going on offense to wag his finger to the adoring or jeering crowd.

Mr. Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, we thank you for the memories.

Inauguration Recap

So Obamapalooza has come to an end, and most people are leaving the district and returning to where they came from. This city swelled to the gills over the past week bringing about many interesting results. I'll do my best to capture the first hand sentiment of my experiences here.

The differences started becoming obvious on Friday when a normal trip past DC fixture Ben's Chili Bowl showed a line around the block. Ben's is basically a chili dog restaurant that has survived years of change in the U street neighborhood of DC. The reason for the line around the block during the daytime was that Obama visited Ben's with Mayor Fenty a week prior. While the restaurant has had a sign posted since November that the Obama family eats for free, Barry O insisted on paying.

Obama at Ben's Chili Bowl

The next interaction I had with the crowds was on Sunday morning when I went for a run on the national mall and around the monuments. Throngs of people had gathered more than six hours before the "We Are One" concert at the Lincoln Memorial, which was shown on HBO. It featured many top notch musicians (U2, Beyonce, Garth Brooks??) peforming, intermixed with other celebrities giving short speeches. If you didn't see it, it was pretty neat. I ran to the capital and looked at the viewing setup, for which I held a ticket. I even checked out the view from where I would be on the capital lawn Tuesday morning (this would be some interesting foreshadowing).

It was pretty impressive running around the area where literally millions of people would congregate in a couple days. On a side note, there were rows of hundreds of porta cans lined up, which reminded me of an event that goes on at the Preakness horse race every year entitled "The Running of the Porta Potties."

Monday was a day to celebrate the work of Dr. King and the progress we have made towards equality in our country. It was also a day for the Texas Inaugural Ball called "Black Tie and Boots." This event, held at the Gaylord Hotel in Maryland had over 10,000 guests, and performers such as Cross Canadian Ragweed, Kevin Fowler, Charlie Robison, and other Texas country music artists. There were also speeches from our two senators, Kay Bailey Hutchison and Big Jon Cornyn, as well as an appearance by Denzel Washington. I'm pretty sure it was the only event in town where people took black tie to mean bolo tie. This event was extremely well put on, and if you get the chance I would strongly encourage you to go to it at some point in your life.

I returned to my house at around 3am from BT&B, only to wake up at 5am to head to the capital for the inauguration. Being the roommate of the guy who runs a segway shop in town, we zipped from our house (very nerdily, of course) on segways into the downtown area which was already crawling with people. He had secured us tickets to the "purple" area, which was on the capital lawn. We were herded into an underground traffic tunnel to wait to be screened by security.

Unfortunately, four hours later, we had not moved far, were still stuck in the tunnel, and informed that the police had given up trying to control the crowds. People who simply walked up at 10am went straight to the gates, bypassing the tunnel people who thought they were waiting in a security line. We got released from the tunnel and got closer to the gates, right as the presidential motorcade cruised by, meaning the gates had to close. This situation was aptly named the Purple Tunnel of Doom, which has a dedicated Facebook group now.

While this made me upset, I did not rally my efforts behind our President for the past year, and I live in DC, meaning I had time to segway back home to my warm house to catch it on tv. What really broke my heart was seeing the sight of an elderly african american woman in a wheelchair with tears streaming down her face as she realized that the pinnacle moment of shaking discrimination that she likely has faced in her life would be spent in a dangerously uncontrolled mob rather than in a ticketed area. She would worry more about getting home safe then pride welling up inside her as she witnessed history first hand. What a shame.

It seemed like my inauguration festivities were over when I got a call Tuesday evening to put the tux back on and head to the Southern States inaugural ball. This was one of ten "official" balls, which means that the President and VP attend at some point.

Before 44 arrived, fortune smiled upon me, and led me to run into Evander "Real Deal" Holyfield, who's Mike Tyson bitten ear looks just as gross as you would think. The VIP section was adorned with celebs, of which I spotted Emmitt Smith and Alonzo Mourning. Biden arrived around midnight, and Barry O showed up about ten minutes later (Pictures of all 3 to come later). Both gave speeches and shared a dance with their wives before bouncing to their next ball. Barack gave a short and to the point speech, but ended it with a line that somebody in his staff cleverly assembled. He said, "Now I'm going to dance with the one that brung me, my wife Michelle. She does everything I do, except backwards and in heels." Solid.

In full disclosure, I did not vote for Barack Obama, and I do not agree with him on all of his policies. However, he certainly has my full support because I believe he is a genuine man, and is very deliberate in thinking things through instead of reacting with emotion. The positive emotion in the air brought about during this inauguration was unlike anything I have seen, and is very encouraging for this country. Best of luck Mr. President. You throw a great party, but you have a laundry list of items that now lie on your desk.

Top Tracks of 2008

The only thing that generally comes out of making a list is that everybody will think your list is bollocks (sorry for the Brit slang...just saw Oasis a couple days ago). I have seen the list by Pitchfork of best albums of 2008, and despite being a music snob myself, I have heard of maybe 10% of the bands they picked. They honestly must pick albums that nobody has heard of simply to be difficult and try to put themselves on a pedestal. I'm not taking the bait, Pitchfork. On the other end of the spectrum, you have your bubble gum pop magazines like Blender, who basically pick the top ten selling albums as their albums of the year. Well, im going to try to land somewhere in between.

If you disagree, you are wrong.

10) You Won't Be Fooled By This- Albert Hammond Jr.- A very solid second effort from Hammond. This guy has been great on two albums, which makes me fear the Strokes are officially done forever. If that's the case, I hope Hammond has a few more albums. This album is perfect driving music.

9)The Kooks- See The Sun- nothing mind-blowing, but a catchy tune by a very solid band

8) Counting Crows- You Can't Count on Me- a very honest song about explaining to somebody that despite your best efforts, you still are (sadly) unreliable

7) TI (feat Jay Z, Lil Wayne, Kanye, MIA)- Swagger Like Us- For two reasons

a) the beat is absolute smoke
b) Jay Z rips the best rap verse of the year

6) Sigur Ros- Gobbledigook- The background drums are relentless, the guitar chords catchy, the words unintelligible. There is no possible way you don't love this song.

5) Bon Iver- Skinny Love- the most popular song off a very emotionally raw and emotive album.


4) Kings of Leon- Sex on Fire- While I disagree with most critics that this album was one of the top of the year, I do agree that this song is a stellar track.

3) Kanye West- Street Lights- anyone that says the new K. West album is bad is plain wrong. West really allows his vulnerable emotional side to shine through in this effort. Street Lights is a reflective effort that will make you think about your life.

2) Oasis- I'm Outta Time- Despite largely being ignored by the US, the Gallaghers continue to churn out better rock and roll tunes than anybody else. If they interacted more with their fans, they would be bigger and more loved than Coldplay, because their music is far superior. The songwriting talent is top notch in this track.

1) MGMT- Kids- These guys couldn't possibly have been more tailor made for ipods of hipsters and hipster wannabes. Their synthesized music is catchy and enjoyable. I can listen to this song thirty times in a row and be just as excited about it the thirtieth time. I guarantee you will catch yourself singing "control yourself....take only what you neeeeeeeeed from it," for at least a week after listening to this track.

Forgotten Christmas Songs That Should Never Have Been Forgotten

So it seems earlier and earlier each year that the sounds of Christmas music can be heard wherever you go. Whether it be flipping through the radio while waiting in the Long John Silver's drive-thru, or through the tinny speakers of your local barber's radio from 19-dickety-2, December is a time to unabashedly hum along to your favorite Xmas tune (personal vote for rockin around the Christmas tree).

On top of the classic Christmas songs, it seems that every year more recording artists try to pad their pockets by releasing a Christmas album. In fact, the past two months alone have seen Christmas releases from both Weezer and Aretha Franklin. But why should we leave the holiday tunes to Tony Bennett, John Tesh, or even Brian McKnight??? Since the holidays are all about sharing, or something like that, shouldn't everybody be able to record a holiday album and sell it for $18.99. The answer is a resounding yes, and they have in droves. We at OSS have compiled a list of holiday music that while no less desirable (probably more desirable) is a bit left of center.

1) Ying-Yang Twins- The Ying and Yang of the Holidays

It would be a shame if the young men who brought you "Shake it Like a Salt Shaker," "Wait (The Whisper Song," and "Whistle While You Twerk," did not put out a Christmas song. You can stop worrying....they have...and it's glorious!




2)Nate Dogg- Be Thankful (from the Christmas on Death Row Album)

The man who has made a career of singing hooks on Regulators, 50's 21 Questions, and Ludarcris' Area Codes has taken the time out to Be Thankful. Is he thankful for other people making music so he can sing a hook and collect a check? Is he thankful for Warren G giving him his start? The answer is it doesn't matter because this song is so intoxicatingly good that all these questions will fall on deaf ears.



3) David Hasselhoff- We Wish You a Merry Christmas

It is absolutely one hundred percent imperative that, especially when singing Christmas songs, you must never hassle the man called Hoff.

We've resorted to throwing shoes??

I found this incident too good to pass up, although it is not Christmas related.  President Bush makes a surprise trip to Iraq, and gets a pair of shoes hummed at him by a crazy Iraqi reporter.  While both shoes missed, this could have had very interesting implications.

What if the shoes had hit him square in the face and bloodied his nose?  He would have had an interesting impasse.  Would the leader of the free world ended the press conference and simply made a press statement.  Or would he simply have wiped his nose with a towel and adamantly demanded that the interview go on as scheduled.

Much like a hockey player, I believe W would have chosen the latter.  However, it is definitely clear that Austin Powers never made its way to Iraq, because, honestly who throws a shoe???

A Cautionary Tale

So there are generally two ways to walk home from the metro stop that I live near. One goes past normal row houses (the safe way), and the other passes a 7-11 and lots of projects (the unsafe way). Last night, on my walk home after procuring some Potbelly, the traffic lights didnt align to go the safe way, so I impatiently decided the unsafe way was a fair option. Mistake.

I get a block down the street when I see a man about thirty feet in front of me making erratic movements and shouting "I gotta get some money before I go to jail!" Interesting. i continue on my path when I was passing in front of the 7/11 doorway, this crazy guy says "hey man give me some change!" Now, I already have a bit of distaste about being hassled for money due to my time living near Tompkins Square Park in NY (look it up on wikipedia), so I was not in the mood to waste any time with this guy. Plus, I had a hot Potbelly sandwich in my hand, and a cold Mountain Dew waiting for me at the house that needed much more urgent attention. I half-heartedly fished in my pockets while still walking, and said "sorry brah, no change," without giving it a second thought. This did not suffice for the crazy man.

Said man then stepped in front of me and gave me a two handed shove and shouted "give me some dollars then!" After briefly wondering why he didn't ask for what he really wanted in the first place, I sort of froze for a minute out of shock. I said, "here brah, have my chips." He then looked at my hands...one of which was toting a sandwich and the other, chips. He then swipes at my hands and takes my Utz brand Salt 'n Vinegar chips which I love so dearly. I found this a bit odd since I had just offered to give him my chips, yet he found the need to "steal" them from me. I tell the gentleman, "take the chips, but you aren't getting any money from me," or something like that in what in my mind was a very stern and threatening tone, but in actuality was probably a startled, crackly voiced, unintelligible whimper. I start walking back from whence I came to go the safe way, and he follows, yelling at me to give him money. I turned around to continue the diatribe I had previously begun, when this man went for the knockout blow and took a swipe at my sandwich.

However, little did this kook know, I have reflexes like a cat. If fact, my reflexes are so quick my brain often can't keep up with my body, forcing such unfortunate events as tripping over my own feet and making numerous typos. Whilst in mid-swipe for my sandwich, he left my view of the bag of chips wide open, much like a boxer throwing a haymaker and leaving his body open for a huge uppercut. I capitalized on this mistake and quickly moved the sandwich out of the way, and in the same motion, swiped back the delicious green and yellow bag full of fried potato goodness. At this point, he realized that his overzealousness had left him with no money, no sandwich, and absolutely not a single trace of salt 'n vinegar chips. I stared him down, and defiantly continued on my path down the unsafe way home.

What have I learned from this? First and foremost, I have learned that I still love salt 'n vinegar chips. I have also learned that the unsafe way is the unsafe way for a reason. What did he learn from this? Well, he's left with only questions. Why wasn't I fast enough to get the sandwich? How was he quick enough to grab the chips back? Am I that much slower than I used to be? Should I have taken his word when he said he didn't have any change? How did I get pwned so badly??

These, as well as countless others, are questions that will keep him up at night.

Me....well....I slept well with a belly full of Potbelly goodness that tasted just a bit better than normal.

Keeping my head on a swivel so you don't have to,

Chris

"Quit snorkelin' in the grass and playin' mumbly peg!"

Coach Dan Green, the legendary track and cross country coach at The Woodlands High School, has announced he is calling it a career at the close of this season. As outlined in this article, Green has been at the school for 33 years and managed to put together a decent resume of 14 state championships, 26 regional championships, and 31 district championships. If you add track on top of that, the man has captured over 50 district titles, which is astounding.

While Green will be fondly remembered at The Woodlands for his noted accomplishments, the young men who ran for Coach Green will certainly remember him for other reasons. You see, Green is no ordinary coach. While sleepy headed teenagers would roll out of bed and still be wiping the sleep out of their eyes at the outset of their runs in the morning, Green is singing, making gorilla noises, and generally causing everybody to glance at each other as if to say, "what is wrong with this guy?" The camaraderie created through running for Coach Green continues on far past high school. In June, I ran a marathon with an old track friend in San Diego. We spent the first twenty miles of the race firing Green stories back and forth, and became so entrenched in this that we lost track of how fast we were running (the answer...too fast. The race did not end well).

As a sample of what you might have missed by not running for Green, I will give you a sample of the top five quotes I can recall from my time. Old Man, thanks for your years of hard work and ability to make boys into men.

1). "You need to quit waiting for the Easter Bunny to bring your a** some cotton candy and get up and run!!!" -Green to me after a poor showing in part of a workout. Nobody is certain on if the Easter Bunny actually brings cotton candy.

2). "You boys need to quit snorkeling in the grass and playing mumbly peg!" -Green, apparently using his synonym for what is called "grabass." Nobody is clear on what it means to "snorkel in the grass."

3) "You might just want to put a skirt on and run for the girls team. Hell, you might be worth a damn!" -said to a teammate after a poor workout

4) "Boys, it's all about mind over matter. We don't mind, and you don't matter." - said during the thick of just about every workout.

5) (Singing) "I know a girl name boney maroney. She's as skinny as a stick of macaroni" (this of course is followed by a gorilla yell). -sang usually during the toughest part of a workout while half of the team is laying lifeless on the track, while the other half is losing their breakfast.

Financial Doom.....Made Easy!!!!!

Michael Lewis has made a career out of penning books that explore deep into cultures which have their finer details shrouded in mystery.

In The Blind Side, Lewis explores the recruitment of left tackle Michael Oher to Ole Miss (currently plays there and will be a high NFL draft pick). The odd thing about his recruitment is that some prominent Ole Miss boosters took this kid in after he was kicked to the curb by his family. The heart of the book expresses the difficulty in outsiders believing that Oher was welcomed into the booster's home in an act of altruism, or due to dreams of one day being able to sway him to play football at Ole Miss.

In Moneyball, Lewis explores the process in which Billy Beane, GM of the Oakland Athletics, is able to use statistics that he calls Sabermetrics to field a consistent playoff contender despite having near the lowest payroll year in and year out.

However, Lewis' opus is likely Liar's Poker, a look inside the subculture of Wall Street in the 1980's that previously had not left the walls of 85 Broad St. (GS) or 1585 Broadway (MS). This masterfully written article is somewhat of an update to that book, as well as a look at how America's financial institutions have fallen like houses of cards throughout the course of this year. It might take you a half hour, but I can assure you it will be the most well written piece you will read all month.

Enjoy.

"...and I don't wear jerseys, I'm 30+. Give me a crisp pair of jeans and a button up."

This line from the timeless Jay-Z track “What More Can I Say” brings up a question that spreads to far more topics than just jerseys. When do you get too old to do certain things? What is the official age when a grown man wearing a jersey becomes unacceptable? Consider this the official age limitation on jerseys and other things….

Jerseys
Nothing looks more absurd than your local business man hopping on the 4 train to the Bronx, while pulling out his crisp #2 Yankees jersey and putting it on over his Brooks Brothers Oxford. This should never be allowed. However, all jerseys are not created equal.

Basketball- - 21. This one is unallowable pretty early, as the amount of skin shown and fitness level needed to correctly wear a basketball jersey has long passed most grown males. If you are old enough to order a tall frosty beer, you are old enough to fold up that old ugly Juwan Howard jersey and throw it in the trash

Hockey/ Football- 28 – The problem with most jerseys of this nature is that they are meant to be worn underneath pads. Unless you are at the gym every morning doing nothing but shoulder shrugs for a few hours each time, chances are you don’t fill this out. Also, a nylon jersey over jeans looks absurd.

Baseball- 40*- This can be worn much longer under the right circumstances. Don’t tuck it into your jeans. Don’t get your name on the back. Don’t wear it over a dress shirt. If you are to wear a baseball jersey, wear it to a weekend game, and nowhere else. It is completely unacceptable as a grown man to wear your old Astros Carlos Beltran jersey around town to shop for groceries.

Backwards Hats- 33
Many girls have told me that a man in his mid-twenties is too old to wear a backwards hat, which is complete garbage. You say immature, I say skin cancer on the neck prevention. The age at which backwards hats no longer are allowed should come at a point when you are at a level of responsibility at work, which would deem a backwards hat ridiculous

Going to your college town for a football game, followed by closing the college bars down after- 27
Have you gone back and done this three years post graduation? It’s getting a bit weird. It is perfectly acceptable to go back for a game, but pack up midway through the 4th quarter, hop in your car, and enjoy sleeping in your own bed instead of passing out outside your old dorm.

Watching MTV Shows (The Hills, Real World/Road Rules Challenge, etc..)- 30
You show me a man who claims to not enjoy watching Derrick fly off the handle on his 5th season on the challenge, and I’ll show you a liar. There is nothing more fulfilling than coming home from a long day at work, only to watch these reality tv veterans get too drunk, sleep with each other, and then get sent home by TJ Lavin at the end of the show. If you have arrived at the point where all of the challenge characters are people who were on the Real World after you were in college, it is time to let it go.

Mid Summer Awards

In conjunction with last week’s mid-summer classic, baseball’s talking heads give out their mid-season awards to the top performers In the same spirit, I find it imperative to give out awards to the best thus far of the first half of the summer, as well as second half predictions. Without further adieu…..

Best Performance at a Sporting Event: Turkey’s Triumph

If you think this is a runaway victory for Tiger’s mastery of the greens at Torrey Pines, your view of the world and the games its’ people play is likely narrow (or you don’t have cable…one of the two). The June romp by the Turkish national team in Euro 2008 was nothing short of miraculous. The Turks, led by such household names as Semih Senturk and Rustu Recber turned the beautiful game upside down and came from behind to win not once, not twice, but three times in as many games. Eldrick will win himself a few more golf tournaments over middle of the road competitors, but you will likely never see a more miraculous performance from a football team in a major event. While Turkey did not win the tourney (lost in the semis to Allemagne), they performed much better than the boys from England, who didn’t even have the will to qualify. Use this as a precursor for World Cup 2010 in South Africa….anyone care to join?

Best New Album: The Carter III

I didn’t like Lil’ Wayne. Of course, I was a sucker for “Go DJ”, “Fireman”, and “Tha Block Is Hot” (for those old school Wayne listeners), but I had no intention of procuring the third Carter, after having a low opinion of the first two efforts. On a whim, I listened to it, and was floored. Wayne lures the mainstream crowd in with the absurdly crude “Lollipop,” yet brings the pain for finds ways to gain the attention of all crowds with various tracks that tie together well. I could write you a book on the quality of this album, but instead, just go get it and listen. This album is flyer than beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice. Key Tracks: Mr. Carter, Tie My Hands, Mrs. Officer, Let The Beat Build.

Best Up and Coming Celeb Gathering: NBA Summer League In Vegas

David Stern is a smart man. By creating the NBA summer league in Vegas a few season ago, Stern accomplishes three things.

1) Generates even more excitement for the incoming rookie class, and upcoming season- While people talked all spring about how players such as Ovinton J’Anthony Mayo would adjust to the league, the summer league brought a forum for him to not only hit a 70 foot (give or take a foot) shot to end a quarter, but single-handedly ruin Hilton Armstrong’s summer by dropping one of the nastiest dunks in a while (look it up on Youtube). I guarantee ten more people just bought season tickets in Memphis. What does this, along with Donte Greene’s 40 point game, Kevin Love’s solid rebounding and Color Me Badd facial hair, and Kevin Durant’s surprise cameo mean? $$$$

2) Props up the slumping Vegas economy- This event not only brings the rookies to come play, but their much more well off teammates and their twenty person entourages to Sin City in their slowest months of the year. Something tells me Mr. Wynn and the Maloofs didn’t just stumble into this by dumb luck (note: Throughout the summer league, coaches stay at the Wynn and players stay at The Palms).

3) Takes Attention Away From Baseball and Football- July used to be time to talk only about baseball and maybe a bit of chatter about training camps. Now, the NBA has turned into a year round topic. This holds peoples attention, meaning that more will watch/ attend games during the season, which means (eventually) more ad dollars flowing into ABC/ESPN/TNT/NBA.com, and eventually bigger rights contracts. Again, all about $$.

Other bests to read about:
- Best Game You Never Heard About: Steve Nash’s Celeb Soccer Game in NY.
- Best Summer Event- McCarren Pool Parties in Williamsburg Brooklyn
- Best Roy Hobbs Imitation: Josh Hamilton in the Home Run Derby

2nd Half Predictions:

1) Millions more young adults pledge support to Obama: Said millions still unclear on what Obama actually is running his campaign on.
2) Cubs Win! The NL Central that is. They face Arizona in the Wild Card round and get shut out in three straight games by Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and Micah Owings.
3) DC becomes the new fun place to live on the eastern seabord, replacing the rotten apple- a bit biased maybe....